Not Being Shahrukh

I’m so glad my brilliant husband listened to his mother , and stayed out of the film industry . Also Sports, the Music industry , TV, and the Arts . Poor chap , he was forced to turn , broken and battered , to the lowly worlds of Engineering and Management like all thwarted wannabe true achievers/celebrities do. We could just have had a ShahRukh in residence , but it was just not meant to be. Sigh .

After ShahRukh Khan being served a notice for sneaking a cigarette puff in the recent 20-20 cricket match , I admit I am seriously concerned. I have frequently called in my husband in from the balcony at home , while he is having a quiet ShahRukh moment , in the worry that we will have groups of activists and lawyers from ASH ( Association against Smoking at Home ) , clambering up the pipe , hissing legalese and pulling out rule books and Lung Xrays to throw at him . His adoring public could be seriously affected , I gently remonstrate with him. He really ought to be careful . My husband wryly tells me that his viewer-ship for the nonce is limited to the two pigeons perched on the air-conditioner , and the next door gardener . Never mind , I reassure him , this base that he must abide by. The long suffering look on the usually impassive spousal countenance deepens, for some reason. He also mutters that if someone pays him an 8 crore endorsement fee , he would definitely try and cope with the pigeons (two ) and gardener .

Look at the other superstar , Amitabh Bachhan . He was served a notice for posing, horror of horrors , on a movie poster, smoking. I understand that he is a non smoker , a teetotaler and vegetarian , but that is neither here nor there. I also hear that he was portraying a gangster warlord, and was merely trying to look the type. Pshaw, I say , pshaw. The undeniable fact is that SUPARI , the premier association for retired gangsters, took strong objections to the typecasting of their community , and confirmed categorically that no less that 76 % of their brethren were non smokers. The incorrect depiction of the members has caused them much pain and suffering . They are considering their legal options. That one AB poster led hordes of loyal fans like myself , screaming and shoving, to the nearest paan-beedi shop, buying up stocks of the cancer stick , like it was going out of style . I understand the concerned cancer stick companies were considering a ‘buy one get one free’ offer to those who carried the poster to the paan – beedi shop but were thwarted by their legal team . The lawyers who have observed the increasingly militant stance of the concerned organization ( popularly referred to as Look Ma, No Lungs ! ) thought it could be a possible smoke out. Hmm , I need to think about what I have just said, or first show this draft to my lawyer .

One really must be mindful of one’s image and public these days. Look at my Dad for example . A retired Army Colonel , he had been frequently seen sporting a dapper pair of shorts , on a non sports day ( I must admit they are starched, ironed, four pockets and belted ) , and although I have gently chided him to wear appropriate attire , he barely listened. Well, once the strong letter from the Association of Moral People against Display of Arthritic Knees (AMPADAK) arrived ,he sat up and took notice, I must say . Though I do feel that his wearing two trousers , three pairs of socks, and long sleeved shirts with a spiffy cravat, is a trifle over the top. In fact he has even been asking me for a Balaclava. The trouble is they just don’t listen. And then – they simply cave.

My spaniel CJ is in the doldrums too , and can be spotted tripping dejectedly over her own long ears. It seems that her enthusiastic and loud singing along , in a manner of speaking, to the well known ‘Happy Birthday to you’ ( it could well be ‘ Hips Don’t Lie ‘ , but one cannot really commit on this one ) has created a distinct pressure in and around. I hear that Elders from the shadowy BARC ( Brethren against Raucous Caterwauling ) have been spotted , shaking their head , pursing their lips , and getting into a distinct huddle around the conference room . We fear the worst . Our legal team shares that due to her long spaniel ears , and her possible inability to listen to her own vociferous vocal support , she deserves more pity than censure . In fact , he suggests , we could even put in a counter suit , suing them for insensitivity to her disability . But we resign ourselves to the inevitable. She might well be sentenced to go , unaccompanied , to the Trinity School of Music , in London , for upto a year .

My maid has now asked me for the name of a good lawyer as well . She got a stiff note from the Society Against Clothes Hanging in Public Places (SACH-App) and has tearfully sworn to their Treasurer , that a drying wet towel , saree or sheet will never grace our home balcony again . However , her frenzied attempts to enter a small clothing shop and tear a well draped saree off the glass display counter while we went Diwali Shopping recently, was certainly a trifle excessive, and I have reassured her that a Society has not been formed for that as yet . ( I didn’t tell her that I had heard rumors of a retired insurance adjustor in Telpur, who has been trying to rally support for this cause as well ) Her sobs of relief were tragic to hear .

I must admit I hesitate to complete this article . Certain persons well acquainted with those in high places have whispered in my ear that the formation of the Bangalore Chapter of BARF ( Blowaway Authors of Ridiculous Fiction ) , could well throw a spanner in the works . Dear , gentle readers, bear with me while I recoup on this one. Or until the resident Shahrukh finishes working on his Six Pack and Smoldering Gaze .